[ Dick's shoulders shake in a silent, bitter laugh. Of all the people to tell him that... but Wally's right. No one ever just gives him permission to feel bad. No one ever knows he needs it. So he bottles it up and bottles it up and beats himself up for being upset when other people have it worse, but—
The second Wally says he should give it a shot, it's like he suddenly feels the true weight of all the pressure that's been building up, with no guilt to stop it from happening. He is angry. He hadn't even realized how angry he was. ]
It's just— it's not fair. None of it's fair. I can do it, I can be a grown-up, I can handle everything on my own, but I... I shouldn't have to. I keep asking, you know, what am I doing wrong? Why isn't this working? Why can't I keep anything? And I can't find an explanation, and I— I honestly hate that it's not my fault. I hate that I can't just fix whatever's wrong with me, that I can't just be better, because that'd at least be something!
[ He pulls away enough to rub at his burning eyes, his shoulders hunching up. ]
But there's no answer. Is there? I'm not doing anything wrong. It isn't my fault my parents were killed, it isn't my fault Bruce doesn't need me, it isn't— none of it's—
[ It does hurt, saying it out loud, but it's a little like removing a bullet. Maybe it has to hurt, has to bleed a while, before anything can feel better. Dick takes a deep breath, and lets out a trembling exhale. ]
... I just want someone to want me. I don't want to have to— to work for it! I shouldn't— ... no one should have to prove they deserve a family.
[And this is where it's unfair. Wally has no shortage of people who want him; even more than that, Wally wants himself. Even without his parents here, even without his aunt and uncle, even without Bart- sure, it's lonely, but he can do things just for himself. He's never had a problem believing he's worth it.]
...I called somebody up, after we fought the first time. [Wally pushes himself up to rest back against the headboard, hands in his lap, staring up at the ceiling.] I told him I didn't know what to do. I was so mad. I was saying dumb stuff, like I didn't know if I could deal with everything, stuff like that. He told me that it was simple. It all depended on whether or not you were worth it. If I wanted to deal with the hard stuff along with the easy stuff. I couldn't just pick and choose; I had to decide if you were worth it.
[Wally glances down at Robin.] But I don't think that was what I really needed to ask myself. You've always been worth it, dude. You've never had to work for it or anything, you've been that way since way before I ever even knew you. What I needed to ask myself was if I'd made myself worth it.
[Wally closes his eyes again, leaning back.] You've got people who want you. Your problem is that you don't believe you're wanted.
[ Robin sits up, mirroring Wally's posture, watching him until he has to look away, look at the wall, look at nothing or he'll get all choked up again. Even then, it's a near miss. ]
... I have high personal standards. I know.
[ He pulls his legs up against his chest, sets his chin on his knees, wraps his arms around his shins. ]
I was in three different foster homes before Bruce took me in. None of them lasted. I'd never lived anywhere but the circus, you know? Everyone knew me there. And I know it's the cliché, but we really were one big family. I missed everyone so much, it was... I can't even describe it.
And when Bruce finally took me to live with him, I... I couldn't believe it. It didn't seem real. He and Alfred were both so nice, even though they didn't know me at all. I was just some kid. I kept... waiting for the catch. I couldn't figure out why. And that's why, I guess... even before I knew he was Batman, it was like, I felt like I had to be... not different, not another person, but the best version of me I could be. So it would stick. So I wouldn't disappoint him. So I could pay him back for giving me a family again.
[ Realizing how he must sound, he adds, ] It wasn't— he never made me feel like I wasn't good enough. But I still wanted to be... perfect. I guess. For him.
And maybe I've never been able to totally turn that off.
Well, you know about it now, don't you? [Wally looks back over at Robin, frowning and drawing up a knee to circle his arms around it.] You can work on turning it off. Or at least putting it on hold. Stop trying so hard. Sorry to get all after school PSA on you, but just being yourself isn't just to make friends who'll last. It'll be better for you, too.
... I don't mind when you get all after school PSA, dude. It's good advice. And you're right, I should... try not to try.
[ He shrugs stiffly, glancing at Wally out of the corner of his eye. ]
It's easy to see the things you do wrong. Harder to actually fix them. [ He sighs, short and quiet. ] It's not even that I'm desperate to be liked, it's just... I expect more from myself than anyone else. Things I'd call anyone else crazy for holding themselves accountable for.
I don't know. [ He runs a hand through his hair, too-long bangs falling into his face. ] Maybe it is that I think I need to be useful to matter. Maybe deep down I still think whatever goes wrong is my fault. Maybe I do need to say it out loud a few dozen times before it starts to feel true instead of just... logical.
[Wally scrunches up his nose; he doesn't see the difference between wanting to be liked and wanting to be wanted, but maybe it's a Batfam thing. Sometimes they don't seem to like each other overly much.
Everything else, though...]
You know you're talking to the guy who blew himself up for powers, right? Hell, I'm still getting used to the idea that Wally West is just as good without Kid Flash. Doesn't mean I want to stop being Kid Flash, though. [Wally points at Robin.] And that is NOT an invitation to try and make me feel good about myself. I don't feel bad. I'm trying to say that I can kind of get where you're coming from, on the usefulness part.
I figured you'd get it. That's why I'm talking to you.
[ He pauses, though, because Wally, intentional or not, brought up another thing that's been weighing on him. ]
... It feels weird, though. The idea of being Robin without Batman. I mean, I know you and I have been basically working solo since we got here anyway, but... it's official now, so...
Official why? Because this Batman doesn't want you around the second it gets inconvenient for him? [Forgive him if he sounds a little (or a lot) bitter. He's really been disillusioned in terms of their heroes since coming here, and it frustrates him that going back home just erased all of that. He'd gone right back to the worshiping schmuck he was before, no memories at all.
The Flash keeps him at arm's length here, literally and figuratively, and while a lot of that is Wally's fault for being standoffish (okay probably totally his fault) he still can't help but be put out by it. He's not Kid Flash to this Flash anyway. It wouldn't be the same.
And that just reminds him of the argument he and Robin had about making buddies with their alternates. It's not surprising that he threw himself whole hog into trying to win this Batman over, despite not really knowing how to play the field for it. Wally doesn't want to be a prick and tell Robin 'I told you so,' because he's not happy he's right, but...he is. This Bruce isn't the Bruce from home. He's not going to care about Robin just because Robin said he did in another dimension.]
Man, forget him. He doesn't have the Robin name copyrighted. That's all yours. You can be Robin without the Bruce here, just like I can be Kid Flash without my Uncle B. And we've got each other. I'm fine with that.
[ Dick's torn between the urge to protest (but why? why keep defending someone who wouldn't do the same for him?) and the urge to be petty and just agree. Stamp his feet and throw a tantrum and say he doesn't need Batman anyway.
He still feels ungrateful for wanting to, and that just makes him angrier. ]
I know, I know, you're right. And I know it's different here, but back home I always thought... there's not really a Robin without Batman and right in front of it.
[ Which goes right back to his own issues, doesn't it? He can't be a satellite forever. Food for thought.
He bumps his knee against Wally's, looking over at him. ]
... what about you, though? I mean, are you still gonna go by Kid Flash when you're in college?
[Wally's quiet for a moment before he sniffs and shrugs.] Dunno. You know the Shade won't call me Kid Flash? He only calls me Flash. Says I should go by that name.
[ He shrugs, too. There's something about having the conversation that feels a bit like walking a tightrope, but... they can't put it off forever, can they? ]
It's just as much yours as it is his, right? He wasn't the first, either. I mean, it's not like I can tell someone else they can't be Robin when there's like ten of us. It's your thing. It's a family thing.
Yeah... [Bat family. Flash family. Some of the other superheroes without legacy say it jokingly, but it is about family. There's pride involved in the name, and Wally doesn't want to start using the name just because he's turning eighteen next year. It's something to be earned, and he hasn't earned it yet.
As for Robin...] Well, I mean...you could always go for Nightwing. That one is all yours, isn't it? [Pause.] Or Peacock, I recall that being on the table.
Peacock, yeah. With the feather cape. I should get on that.
[ He snorts, tipping a few inches until he's leaning against Wally's shoulder. Bump. ]
On one hand, Nightwing sounds cool. Other-me had good taste. On the other hand, it's a little... I dunno... deterministic? To go with it just because that's what another version of myself picked.
I dunno what dialect you're speaking that makes that sound like a maybe. However. If we're going to pimp my suit, then we're gonna pull out all the stops. I'm talking glitterbombs and neon. I wanna light up like freakin' Christmas.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
performance) wrote2014-04-10 06:52 pm
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The second Wally says he should give it a shot, it's like he suddenly feels the true weight of all the pressure that's been building up, with no guilt to stop it from happening. He is angry. He hadn't even realized how angry he was. ]
It's just— it's not fair. None of it's fair. I can do it, I can be a grown-up, I can handle everything on my own, but I... I shouldn't have to. I keep asking, you know, what am I doing wrong? Why isn't this working? Why can't I keep anything? And I can't find an explanation, and I— I honestly hate that it's not my fault. I hate that I can't just fix whatever's wrong with me, that I can't just be better, because that'd at least be something!
[ He pulls away enough to rub at his burning eyes, his shoulders hunching up. ]
But there's no answer. Is there? I'm not doing anything wrong. It isn't my fault my parents were killed, it isn't my fault Bruce doesn't need me, it isn't— none of it's—
[ It does hurt, saying it out loud, but it's a little like removing a bullet. Maybe it has to hurt, has to bleed a while, before anything can feel better. Dick takes a deep breath, and lets out a trembling exhale. ]
... I just want someone to want me. I don't want to have to— to work for it! I shouldn't— ... no one should have to prove they deserve a family.
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...I called somebody up, after we fought the first time. [Wally pushes himself up to rest back against the headboard, hands in his lap, staring up at the ceiling.] I told him I didn't know what to do. I was so mad. I was saying dumb stuff, like I didn't know if I could deal with everything, stuff like that. He told me that it was simple. It all depended on whether or not you were worth it. If I wanted to deal with the hard stuff along with the easy stuff. I couldn't just pick and choose; I had to decide if you were worth it.
[Wally glances down at Robin.] But I don't think that was what I really needed to ask myself. You've always been worth it, dude. You've never had to work for it or anything, you've been that way since way before I ever even knew you. What I needed to ask myself was if I'd made myself worth it.
[Wally closes his eyes again, leaning back.] You've got people who want you. Your problem is that you don't believe you're wanted.
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... I have high personal standards. I know.
[ He pulls his legs up against his chest, sets his chin on his knees, wraps his arms around his shins. ]
I was in three different foster homes before Bruce took me in. None of them lasted. I'd never lived anywhere but the circus, you know? Everyone knew me there. And I know it's the cliché, but we really were one big family. I missed everyone so much, it was... I can't even describe it.
And when Bruce finally took me to live with him, I... I couldn't believe it. It didn't seem real. He and Alfred were both so nice, even though they didn't know me at all. I was just some kid. I kept... waiting for the catch. I couldn't figure out why. And that's why, I guess... even before I knew he was Batman, it was like, I felt like I had to be... not different, not another person, but the best version of me I could be. So it would stick. So I wouldn't disappoint him. So I could pay him back for giving me a family again.
[ Realizing how he must sound, he adds, ] It wasn't— he never made me feel like I wasn't good enough. But I still wanted to be... perfect. I guess. For him.
And maybe I've never been able to totally turn that off.
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[ He shrugs stiffly, glancing at Wally out of the corner of his eye. ]
It's easy to see the things you do wrong. Harder to actually fix them. [ He sighs, short and quiet. ] It's not even that I'm desperate to be liked, it's just... I expect more from myself than anyone else. Things I'd call anyone else crazy for holding themselves accountable for.
I don't know. [ He runs a hand through his hair, too-long bangs falling into his face. ] Maybe it is that I think I need to be useful to matter. Maybe deep down I still think whatever goes wrong is my fault. Maybe I do need to say it out loud a few dozen times before it starts to feel true instead of just... logical.
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Everything else, though...]
You know you're talking to the guy who blew himself up for powers, right? Hell, I'm still getting used to the idea that Wally West is just as good without Kid Flash. Doesn't mean I want to stop being Kid Flash, though. [Wally points at Robin.] And that is NOT an invitation to try and make me feel good about myself. I don't feel bad. I'm trying to say that I can kind of get where you're coming from, on the usefulness part.
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[ He pauses, though, because Wally, intentional or not, brought up another thing that's been weighing on him. ]
... It feels weird, though. The idea of being Robin without Batman. I mean, I know you and I have been basically working solo since we got here anyway, but... it's official now, so...
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The Flash keeps him at arm's length here, literally and figuratively, and while a lot of that is Wally's fault for being standoffish (okay probably totally his fault) he still can't help but be put out by it. He's not Kid Flash to this Flash anyway. It wouldn't be the same.
And that just reminds him of the argument he and Robin had about making buddies with their alternates. It's not surprising that he threw himself whole hog into trying to win this Batman over, despite not really knowing how to play the field for it. Wally doesn't want to be a prick and tell Robin 'I told you so,' because he's not happy he's right, but...he is. This Bruce isn't the Bruce from home. He's not going to care about Robin just because Robin said he did in another dimension.]
Man, forget him. He doesn't have the Robin name copyrighted. That's all yours. You can be Robin without the Bruce here, just like I can be Kid Flash without my Uncle B. And we've got each other. I'm fine with that.
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He still feels ungrateful for wanting to, and that just makes him angrier. ]
I know, I know, you're right. And I know it's different here, but back home I always thought... there's not really a Robin without Batman and right in front of it.
[ Which goes right back to his own issues, doesn't it? He can't be a satellite forever. Food for thought.
He bumps his knee against Wally's, looking over at him. ]
... what about you, though? I mean, are you still gonna go by Kid Flash when you're in college?
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[ He shrugs, too. There's something about having the conversation that feels a bit like walking a tightrope, but... they can't put it off forever, can they? ]
It's just as much yours as it is his, right? He wasn't the first, either. I mean, it's not like I can tell someone else they can't be Robin when there's like ten of us. It's your thing. It's a family thing.
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As for Robin...] Well, I mean...you could always go for Nightwing. That one is all yours, isn't it? [Pause.] Or Peacock, I recall that being on the table.
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[ He snorts, tipping a few inches until he's leaning against Wally's shoulder. Bump. ]
On one hand, Nightwing sounds cool. Other-me had good taste. On the other hand, it's a little... I dunno... deterministic? To go with it just because that's what another version of myself picked.
... but dude, it's really cool.
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Maybe with sequins?
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[ He shoves Wally with his shoulder, then draws a zig-zag down his forearm with a fingertip. ]
It'd be flashy.
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So that's a maybe? I'm hearing a maybe.
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